Waiting to be struck;
Yelled at, dismissed.
Any word I say....
Will he be there at the top of the stairs?
Strangely grateful for the glare, the stares, and the judging.
Transforming me from victim to mother bear, protecting her cub.
Wrote this "poem" on the transit yesterday. It was a day, a day where I pray for it to end as quickly as it can. A day where my otherwise joyful son, my otherwise loving, kind son forgets how to be calm, forgets how to process anxiety and takes it all out on his safe person, Me.
Someone I love so much, attacking me phsycially.. pulling hair, pushing, kicking. Someone I admire so much, attacking me verbally.. "I hate you! Go away!
I try to be quiet, no talking, no emotion. Continue walking, and he'll follow. Get where we need to go, then get home as fast as we can.
Any moment, that he feels opposition from the world, it's kick MOM, push MOM, yell at MOM. I walk, I be quiet, I try to soften the corners he'll come across.
I feel fear. Get us home Universe. Help us get home without emotions getting bigger. His body, his movements.. large and out of control. Spinning, whirling, jumping off walls, literally! Looks from all around, judging, whispered comments that probably have nothing to do with me, but stab me in the heart.
My victim feelings start sloughing off, and I feel protective. "Leave him alone" I want to shout. "He has autism.. he's actually wonderful, you just don't know!" It makes me stronger. My spine lengthens and I become 20 feet tall, ready to protect Jordan from "them".. those who moments before may have wanted to protect me. It saves me, to be his protector. It saves us, that our conflict is no longer my center. It saves Jordan, that the focus is off him, and he can possibly begin to unwind his anxiety.
We begin to heal, when I move back to Mother, away from victim.
Because.. I'm not a victim. I'm Jordan's partner, so far in life. We're here to help each other grow. And we are. Growing, becoming more, together all the time. When the hard days are over, and a few days have passed, I know I've grown again, for the better.