Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dropping Expectations

Another lesson in not expecting, letting life flow, letting it all happen as it will.

Mother's day has been a puzzle. How do I NOT expect what other Mother's enjoy and perhaps take for granted each year? Do I want to sit down and tell him what to write, what to draw to show he loves me? No. I want it to come from him, to be genuine, heartfelt and from his heart.

In the week before this mother's day, I planned a bit differently. I found canvasses and paint, set it all up outside in the sun. I began painting for MY mom. I thouroughly enjoyed the process. My son ran around the yard, popping in and in out, gradually more in than out. I left a canvas to the side, and when he asked if he could paint too, I was ready for it!

"I'm painting for my mom for mother's day", I told him. "I want to do that"! he replied excitedly. And as he began prepping his canvas, I finished up my painting (for now. tee hee) and moved away to the garden, allowing him privacy. Chatted with him a little, to let him know I was still around, because I know he likes that.

After a while, I told him I was going inside. When he came in later, I asked if he was done painting, told him we'd wait a bit til it dried, and then asked if he'd like to hide it til next week. When he said "yes!" I got a place ready in the basement where he could stash it away from me, and after a while he carefully did.

And... a mother's day suprise for me was born!

I spent the next few days pondering all my feelings on this. I pondered my own mother, and how we express love to each other EVERY day. Jordan Loves me EVERY day, with every part of his being, just like I love her. I thought about the awkwardness of Mom's day for me, I love on my Mom hugely every single day, we talk, we email, we visit OFTEN. We know we love each other. Mom's day almost seems to be a day for families who aren't close to their mom's. "we know you ignore her all year.. so better buy flowers" (covered in pesticides to boot!)

I pondered, is that what I want for my Mom's days in the future? Really fancy, commericalized love brought to you by FTD and Hallmark?

OR.. do I want the all day every day love,
the ..... "mom can we have a huge snuggle" Love,
the....... "who loves each other the most?" Love games,
the......... holding hands everywhere we go Love,
the ......"mom BE with me" Love!
Real heartfelt created by Jordan, never imitated always original LOVE that only Jordan has.

The painting was the icing on the cake, the crux, the apex of my thoughts. What he gave me, reminded me to let it go, don't EXPECT.. ACCEPT! what comes, will always be greater than I can imagine.

I EXPECTED a typical painting. A tree, a flower, a bird, even Mario! Thankfully, Jordan is always more than EXPECTED, what I got is LOVE on paper...

he loves me so, I don't need a day marked on the calendar, he shows me every day in so many ways!